GAY PEOPle's ChroNICLE JULY 3, 1998

BIG TIPS

Here's a suggestion for an odor-free deodorant

by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone

Dear M.T.

I read about your B.O. problem today. As a self-made authority on body odors (I have an evolutionary theory as to why feet stink) here's a suggestion for an odor-free deodor-

ant.

Personally, I enjoy and advocate the natural, sexually alluring scent that humans give off in their pits and groin. But even I must bend to the dictates of our culture while at work, so I've found an adequate deodorant by splashing rubbing alcohol in my pits. It works by killing the bacteria on the skin and hairs. These bacteria eat the special oily sweat (apocrine), then fart the familiar odor of our species (androstenone).

Killing these bacteria usually lasts an entire day unless it's really hot and humid, or if you get sexually aroused. Of course, this is a fairly natural approach to stopping underarm odor and requires the wearing of cotton clothing next to the skin. Seems that polyester fibers are hygroscopic, meaning that they more readily absorb and hold moisture and odors than do natural fibers.

Another concern you might have if you shave your pits (sacrilege) is that the alcohol might sting a bit. I don't shave and it doesn't burn on intact skin, but I have had a heat rash in my pits and that is a whole masochistic experience. Unless you have a high pain tolerance I'd advise against splashing alcohol on a heat rash, as the screeching tends to upset the neighbors.

Hope this has been a help in your quest. I've successfully used the alcohol for years to appease my coworkers, but on weekends on my own time, people smell the real me.

Naturally Noseworthy

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Dear Can You Smell the Real Me?

I just want to say that I don't believe I ever said I had a B.O. problem. I'm just allergic to my deodorant of choice. C'mon: I have my title of Miss Personal Freshness 1998 to uphold.

The alcohol tip is clever and very much appreciated, but did you have to put the image of farting bacteria in my head?

Dear Ms. Martone,

I enjoyed your answer about fat people in a recent issue of this paper. I am around 500 pounds of happy black person. My weight is not a problem for me.

But it is true, the pool of people who like my size is small. Add in the fact that I'm a pre-op transsexual wanna be lesbian, and the pool is just about closed. But I believe there is someone for everyone. I just need a hint on where to look. Any help you can give me would be wonderful.

Chunky and Charming

Dear Princess Charming,

I've got to send you to personal ads first. Any time someone's looking for someone particularly particular, it's good to cast a wide net, and newspapers have a lot of readers.

There are also lesbian contact magazines and magazines for transgendered folks with ads in the back: I'd put ads in publications like

that.

Meanwhile, look and see if there's a big gal

THE CHOSEN FAMILY

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號

Bill, bill, bill... Ferron!

213

swim or gym group (like in the letter below) in your area, and if there isn't, maybe you could start one up. Or a group for any type of activity you love. That's a great way to meet nice girls. Good luck, lamb chop.

Dear Ms. Martone,

I'd like to respond to "Weighed Down.' This guy seemed concerned about his friend's dating opportunities, because who would want to date this enormous guy with just one flaw being heavy.

I am really concerned with the enormous guy having another flaw this critical "friend" who can't see beyond his own prejudice. In your answer, you stated that fat people have a life full of humiliations. None so great for this full figured lesbian as opening her favorite lesbian magazine and reading hate mail about myself and others like me.

It's amazing to find that people you've come out to, and risked a lot just for that, can beso ignorant. As if gays haven't been through enough legitimate troubles: get a grip!

I really believe that many fat-bashers are very unhappy. I know more of them who don't have a date, can't get up on the dance floor, and are gobbling depression meds. More of us heavies are at the recreation centers. I know first hand, because I have this huge swim exercise class three times a week. We are in the saunas, steam rooms, lifting weights, aerobing and Lord yes, dis-robing much more than fat-bashers.

You know why I know that? Because us

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heavies are just too naturally happy to be hurting people we are supposed to love and be proud of. Also, when I am out dancin' every weekend with my mate of 17 years, I am the first to get out there and the last to leave.

So, baby, I'm getting my exercise while the fat-bashers are on the sidelines snickering in their drinks, "Look at that Fat Ass!" Ya just better look at your own, because us heavies are gonna be the ones getting a kick when the tables are turned and the bashers are a mess from too much stool sittin' and not enough

aerobics!

Dear Serious Sister,

Big Booty Shaker

Pow! You're right: Health and happiness are much more about how much you move your body and how you treat and feel about yourself than the amount of physical space you take up on the sauna bench. Keep shaking your money maker, sweetie.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-a-brac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this “Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

by Noreen Stevens.

I stole my first Ferron album from a root vegetable potluck when I was 17...

Mainstream popularity is taking all the fun out of being a lesbian.

What the heck? It must be warped!/

Screech

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